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| Jokes for Women and some other gender jokes? before the jokes just won't to let you know I'm not trying to offend anyone I'm good person don't judge me by jokes Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. OFFSPRING: Ah, guyren. A woman knows all about her guyren. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. ** |
| Womens view: Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract. Mens view: Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business. What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. Women’s view: What's the difference between men an government bonds? Bonds mature. Mens: What's the difference between men and government bonds? None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them. How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women" What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs. one. A man and wife were driving on a country road and they got in an argument. A few minutes later they pass a pig farm; the wife, still mad, points to the pigs and says "oh look, those must be relatives of yours," "yes" the man reply's, "but their in-laws" |
| What are a few major differences in men and women? RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. 5 hours ago - 3 days left to answer. Additional Details 5 hours ago Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note!!! |
| So true, Fisherman, and thanks again, and another gold star for you today! |
| MEN VS. WOMEN FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY.....IS IT?!? Men vs. Women Some subtle (and some not so subtle) differences Handwriting: Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note. Groceries: Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things. Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane. Relationships: Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. Sex: Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay. Maturity: Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. Magazines: Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Bathrooms: Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items. Shoes: Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks. Cats: Women: Women love cats. Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Guyren: Women: A woman knows all about her guyren. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Dressing Up: Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. Laundry: Women: Women do laundry every couple of days. Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style." Eating Out: Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. Mirrors: Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror. Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads. Menopause: Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Men: Menopause in a |
| WOW! Brilliant! Simply Brilliant!!!. |
| Difference between men and women (fairly long)? Handwriting: Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note. Groceries: Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things. Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane. Relationships: Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. Sex: Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay. Maturity: Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. Magazines: Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Bathrooms: Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items. Shoes: Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks. Cats: Women: Women love cats. Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Guyren: Women: A woman knows all about her guyren. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Dressing Up: Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. Laundry: Women: Women do laundry every couple of days. Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style." Eating Out: Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. Mirrors: Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror. Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads. Menopause: Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. The Phone: Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Richard Gere: Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. Toys: Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. Cameras: Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. Locker Rooms: Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. Movies: Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. Jewelry: Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. Conversation: Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. Leg Warmers: Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." Friends: Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?" Restrooms: Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom. Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?" |
| i love joke's like this, put some more. have a star! |
| I got married and now chances mostly doomed? i married a guy i thought was quite nice..... we got married as virgins, and i liked some body completely different back then, so i got married to some body exactly like what i wanted...... and now i don't think im happy with him. We have been married for a not so easy 5 months! well, marriage isn't exactly what i expected. But more than any thing i wanted some one who was nice to me, and accepted me for who i am, and he does that.... But i don't know for how long? I think even if i put my self or my effort in, one day he will end up hurting me. then, they always do. - The thing is i want to be with some one a lot older now, i think my hubby is a bit young for me and he even says so... (when he is nearly 5 years older than me, his elder brother is marrying some one 12 years younger and my husband said he thinks that is the right age!) //: (i didn't see that coming how did i end up wth that, My hubby didn't tell me his brother fiance was that young until we were married for over 2 months, and then he said he thinks that was the right age. He also said he thinks im quite old a few times, and on our second night together in my bedroom at my parents home. I was like, wtf! r u guyding or crazy or some thing...) We won't have a physical relationship perhaps twice a month, but im not always happy with things or it. He gets wet within 10 mins and that's it. we both married as virgins. He never listens to me, he loves his mum and dad way more.... i want some one grown up who can take care of his and mine interests together as two because i have my whole future ahead of me yet. i don't like men from any other race, i only like my type but not the very dark or hairy ones.... and i like english speaking one With accents! i like accents but good ones with good english or vocabulary! i like rich mature old men, i don't know why but ones who are going to wine or dine me and have a good time with me..... and one who can take care of me. i just want a lovely time with some one too. my hubby never ever wants any of that. i wish i had really persuaded my parents to let me marry an old richer guy.... but they wouldn't my mum thought i was out of my mind, and she wouldn't let me marry any one her or my dad ages, well they are way too old. i asked for a 40 year old and they said no. and i do like slightly bigger guys! especially tall ones...because im tall. But me and my husband are he same height. And i usually try and bend down a little for him, it isn't great for my natural posture. I use to love being taller confidently. I come from a culture where dating is really difficult if you're married. really difficult for women especially, the guys are terrible..... but some how married guys with single women get away easier compared to any married women with any other guy. the men always want to take you down if you upset them. |
| You can never know anyone until you have lived with them!! I was terribly disillusioned when I married my husband. He had lied to me pretending he liked the same things as I did, whereas it turned out that he didn't and claiming he could do all sorts of things which he couldn't. As soon as we were married, even on our honeymoon, he just stopped making an effort to please me and he stopped doing all the all the little things he had been doing, like giving me lifts and taking me out. In fact he went to bed to sleep most afternoons on our honeymoon, leaving me to go out alone instead of taking me out and spending time with me. I would do something nice for him and he would either not notice or would just complain about it. My first year of marriage was a very unhappy time, and getting used to living with each other proved very difficult and I only stayed with him because I wanted guyren so much. I was very fortunate to have a son and a daughter, my husband mellowed a lot and now 25 years later we are still together. I cannot say that we have had an ideal marriage, but it could have been much worse and we did not give up at the first sign of difficulty. You cannot think that things like how tall he is, or how old his brothers fiance is are important, but the fact that you are newly weds and do not have a physical relationship more than twice a month does seem to be a cause for concern and to suggest an underlying problem. I think you need to talk to your husband and to try to identify your actual problems and separate them from the list of things you say you are not keen on, (as these are relatively unimportant). You have to work at a marriage and forgive and forget many harsh words, but seriously, if we can do it, honestly ANYBODY can!! Good luck! |
| What kind of guys women like most,apparently? heheh in correlation with answers.yahoo.com/question/index;… by the way my answer to that as a 16 year old would be for a blond haired, blue eyed girl with pink lips and beautiful curves... however because im a bit more mature i would definitely want to marry a smart woman, who has a personality (not one who awaits my return from work every night to serve my ever desires- i am not her pet and vice versa) a woman who can pass on her grace and knowledge to our daughters and sons. i am a dignified man and wish for a dignified woman, she should love to wear her hijab, rather than follow the sl**s of this world.. turning the coin...as for the guys...what do you women expect of him? would you fall head over heals over any man who wears kufi and goes to masjiid for juma? ive seen the indian pakistani muslim community...many of our fathers have pot bellies, come home eat and watch politics every night...of course they are usually nothing but generous and loving to our mothers, but is that all a woman needs? what about her desires? what about your desires muslim women? do we need to go out there and get chiseled abs, biceps and get hair removed from our backsides? most men are hairy, arms, legs, chest, pubic (back and front), armpits, even their backs...of course you would like to marry a man without any hair in these places, but since its very hard to find one, what will be the cutting edge for you? i myself inshallah plan to get all my hair removed by a male laser surgeon a few nights before the wedding...i plan to see him very often so that she never has to see me with hair in unwanted places. |
| The one with Big Bank balance !! |
| Xx funny or true you decide xxx? Sex : Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out . Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of n*ked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of n*ked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a n*ked woman's body. Most n*ked men elicit laughter from women. |
| you little tease. hahaha |
| I know its very long but it was allllllll good, so what do you think? Men vs. Women Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective. SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day. GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup... LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head... GARAGES: Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages. MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy." JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car. LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain. ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women. NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches. NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless. |
| Aaaaaaaaaint it the truth,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,lol |
| Relationships, yes or no lol? Relationships: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life. A mail has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, 'I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. Sex: Women prefer 30 to 40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. Maturity: Women mature much faster than men do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Bathrooms: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts' car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10?items?or?less lane. Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Offspring: Ah, guyren. A woman knows all about her guyren. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a van and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms. Eating Out: When the bill comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. Mirrors: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any, shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald boyfriend's/father's heads. Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, biological Changes. Nature provokes a uniform reaction in men. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because lie reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Cell phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six big batteries to operate. Locker Rooms: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their ****, because **** size doesn't really matter. Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone. Time: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. Friends: Women on a 'girls' night out' talk the whole time. Men on a 'boys' night out' say about 20 words all night, most of which are 'Pass the chips' or 'Got am more beer?' Toilets: Men use toilets for purely biological reasons. Women use toilets as social lounges. Men in toilets will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a toilet giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey Tom, I, was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me |
| This made me laugh on a crummy day. |
| The Eternal Struggle Part One hmm part two is gonna be harder to work on? Sex: Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay. Maturity: Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work. Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. Groceries: A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane. Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chickenscratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out. Bathrooms: A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn . The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup. Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day. Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line. |
| k. good things u've written r right |